Where Do I Fit In?

Over the past couple of years I have been doing a lot of work on myself.  I'm working on being "conscious" in my every day life: conscious of what I eat, conscious of how I act, conscious of what I say, etc.  Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect.  But I can  honestly say I am much improved.  A huge part of me wishes I had done this work a decade or so earlier, but this is my path and I'm happily traveling it.

One of the things I've been paying attention to is my interactions with other people, especially women.  I don't have a lot of friends.  I have plenty of acquaintances, but I don't have that core group of women that I can count on.  For example, I find myself "all dressed up with no place to go" all the time.  How did I reach my middle 40s without a core group of friends?  I hear other women talking about "girls night out" and I don't really have that as an option in my life.  Interestingly, I never really have.  I've never really felt like I fit in anywhere.

Many women have had their core group of friends since high school or college.  I have one friend from junior high that I've stayed in contact with over all of these years - off and on, up and down, frequent and infrequent - but I think we're still friends simply because we've known each other so long.  Growing up my cousin was my best friend, and we remained really close friends well into our twenties, and then life took us separate ways.  She got married and moved away, which made our previous constant contact very difficult.  Then she had a baby and I went to law school ... the rest is history.  We still keep in contact, we visit occasionally, but we have totally different lives now.  I have one friend from college that I talk to regularly, but she lives 6 hours away so we don't see each other very often.  I have one friend from law school that I stayed in touch with, who lives within visiting range, but even that relationship has basically disappeared over the past few years.

I have no way of knowing why I didn't develop lasting friendships when I was younger, and frankly it's a waste of time and energy to look back and ponder it.  Instead, I've been trying to figure out why I haven't bonded with any of the fabulous women I've met over the past five or ten years.  I don't know the answers, at least not yet, but I have had a realization.  Right now, at this point in my life, I am in a "no man's land."  Single mothers don't really fit in anywhere.  I don't have much in common with my "single" friends because my world revolves around my children and their lives, while my single friends' lives revolve around career, relationships, travel, etc.  I don't have much in common with my married friends, in part because I did not have a good marriage so I don't have anything positive to contribute, but mostly because their lives revolve around their intact families.  I certainly have more in common with single mothers than with anyone else right now, but even within that group there is distance.  As an example, unless our parenting schedules are similar - which is rare - one of us always hads kids in tow.  My closest single-mother friend is very close to her family and spends a ton of time with them, we are on opposite weekends with our kids, and she is currently (actively) dating.  I ask you, when does she have time for a cocktail?  And then there's the issue of common interests: once you get us away from our children, we're left to our own devices ... what if we have nothing in common?

Don't get me wrong; it's not like I'm this lonely little sad sack.  I'm not.  But it occurs to me that I don't have a core group of good friends that have my back.  As examples, I locked myself out of my house at 2:00 a.m and I had no one to call; the only person who has a spare key is my 70-year-old mother and I'm not going to call her in the middle of the night.  I got in a hit-and-run accident in a bad part of town at midnight and I had no one to call.  I woke up at 4:00 a.m. in excruciating pain, thinking I needed to call 911, and I had no one to call.  Those moments in life happen to every one, and they are the moments when you realize who's got your back.

What to do, what to do?  I'm not sure yet.  It's clear I need to develop a support system, I just don't know what it's going to look like.  I joined a running group a couple of years ago with the hopes of meeting new friends, but what I actually got was more acquaintances.  That's not a bad thing but it's not what I'm looking for right now.  I've been invited to join a bunco group; maybe my support system will start there, but maybe not.  As I've been learning over the last year or so, when things don't work out as we hope, we should consider it nothing more than feedback: What we did and/or how we did it did not give the result we wanted.  Adjust, do something different, and wait for feedback. All I can do is keep trying different things until I find my fit.

Dreams and The Dream Box

Dreams, the word "dream," the idea of dreams, the truth about dreams ... all of it has been prominent in my life for the past two weeks (or so).

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought." - Buddha

As part of my spiritual journey, I'm opening my heart to new and different things, ideas, and people. For the first time in a long time, I am attempting to identify very specific things I want for myself and for my family. I'm setting dreams in motion.

I have a very dear friend named Tee - we've known each other since 7th grade - who is years ahead of me on her spiritual path and is a great grounding source for me. Though we do not have identical beliefs, they are similar enough that she can help give me perspective and direction when I need it the most. One of Tee's fundamental truths is that "beliefs create reality." It goes along with the Laws of Attraction and The Secret: what you put out into the universe is what you get back. I've seen it work in her life. As an example, right about when she turned 40, she adjusted - not abandoned - her existing and lifelong dream of marriage and family. She decided that living where she lived would not lead her to the father of her children, so she moved. She focused not on finding someone to "marry" (necessarily) but on someone who wanted the same kind of "family" she was now picturing. She drew a picture of her dream "family" and taped it above her computer. She believed that such a man, and such a family, existed and that she would find them. About a year later, she did and they now have a new family of their own.

For the past year or so, with Tee's help, I have been working on my attitude. I have tried to quiet that voice in my head that is full of doubt and skepticism. I have tried to see the positive in every "bad" thing that has happened in my life. I have tried to stop looking back at things I cannot change and have started moving forward toward change I want. It is not easy; I slip back into my old ways when I'm not paying attention. It's exhausting because it is contrary to habits I have developed for 40 years of my life, but I can see subtle little changes occurring all around me.

After I had a mini-breakdown/pity party for myself a couple of weeks ago, Tee gave me this wonderful card. In addition to the things your dear friends always tell you - I love you, you're fabulous, etc. - she reminded me that things that are worth having are often difficult to get, but they are worth the effort and heartache at the end. She told me that the "bad" things in life are merely the universe's way of shifting our focus off of that which is not important to that which is important. She suggested I create a vision board, and include pictures/ideas/symbols of my dreams, and post it in a prominent place in my home so that I see it every day. A couple of days later, she presented me with The Dream Box.

The Legend of the Dream Box (often attributed to Lemuria) suggests writing down your fondest dream, greatest desire, strongest wish on a small piece of paper, putting that paper in a Dreambox and placing it beside your bed. Every evening as you retire and every morning as you rise, hold your Dreambox and think on your dream, believing with all your heart that is is so. Legend has it, if done faithfully, your dream will come true.

I wrote down my most prominent dream right now and put it in the box. I have also started my vision board, which right now represents 3 very specific dreams that I have for myself.

In January the minister of my church has been going over "the basics" of the Unity/New Thought movement. One of the things I learned is that some of my favorite 19th century authors and poets were part of what is now known as the New Thought movement more than 100 years ago. Ralph Waldo Emerson, the son of a Unitarian minister, held "meetings" with his literary friends - including Henry David Thoreau - to discuss spirituality, including the idea that if you truly set your mind - and your heart - on something, it will come true.

"Be careful what you set your heart on, for it will surely be yours." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

So two Sundays ago I showed up at church for the third lesson on "the basics" and guess what it's about? Dreams! The third basic premise of New Thought is (to paraphrase) the idea that if you take that which is in your consciuos mind, and tell it to your subconscious mind with deliberation and conviction in its truth, your subconscious mind will make it true. Hey, look at the quotes above ... that's what Buddha said, that's what Emerson said!!

The next day was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. "I have a dream" was all over the place.

The day after that was President Obama's Inauguration. Talk about dreams! The dream theme was everywhere: dreams of Lincoln, dreams of MLK, dreams of our forefathers, dreams of a nation, dreams of a people, dreams of a little boy, dreams, dreams, dreams.

So I leave you with this:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau