Saturday, November 27, 2010

Is It Just Me, Or Is An Apology In Order??

Confession time.  It really bugs me when people don't apologize.  I'm including the BIG apologies for the BIG errors and omissions in our personal relationships, but it's really the missing little apologies that make me nutty.  It's silly, I know, but for whatever reason, I think it is monumentally rude.  It's like saying "excuse me" when you bump into someone or "thank you" when someone holds open a door.  It's just common courtesy to apologize for little mishaps, misunderstandings, moments of insanity or whatever.  We all make mistakes, and we all should apologize for them when we make them.  But we don't.  Common courtesy is disappearing more quickly than a 14 year old can text supercalifragilisticexpialidotious.

Case in point #1 (The Ex):  He refuses to apologize to me for ANYthing.  Despite acknowledging that he hurt me, he has never apologized for hurting me.  He has never apologized for cheating, for lying, for sneaking around, for incurring debt without my knowledge, for breaking promises, nothing, nada, nil, zip.  I have come to accept that he is NEVER going to apologize to me for anything related to the marriage.  It bugs me, but I've accepted it.

We have been divorced for five years.  We had what I characterized as a "decent" relationship when it came to the kids; we haven't had any custody fights, we haven't had any scheduling fights, nothing.  We had some disagreements during the first year or so of our separation about parenting, but some of those we would have had even if we were married.  During this past summer, however, the relationship (at least from my perspective) was totally destroyed.  The Ex unloaded 15 years of garbage on me in a two-page email, using the most hateful words he could.  It was so bad that I wasn't even affected at first; I could not believe this person I knew and loved could say such things to anyone, much less the mother of two of his children.  He called me names, he called me crazy, he called me a terrible role model for our children - you name it, if it's nasty, he fired it at me.  The exclamation point was his most definitive statement that he could not possibly think any less of me than he already does.  The insults he launched were (mostly) inaccurate but more to the point, they were unprovoked, unnecessary and unproductive.  We've been apart for five years - why now?  We had been getting along just fine - why now?  Since that email, I have been shutting down, inch by inch, bit by bit, when it comes to him.  He, on the other hand, has acted like it never happened.  Huh??  Is it just me, or is an apology in order?

Case in point #2 (The Ex):  About a month ago, he left a voicemail for me that clearly was not intended for me.  It wasn't anything scandalous, but it sounded work-related so I texted him to let him know.  He denied it was him, using his most disdainful and condescending tone he could.  Really?  I've known you for 16 years and you think I don't recognize your voice on the phone?  Eventually I responded by saying "I didn't tell you so we could argue about whether or not it's you; I told you because I was concerned it might be important and whoever was supposed to get the message did not get it."  [As an aside, it came from an unfamiliar phone number.  I think he denied it because he doesn't want me to know he has a different phone number.  Like I care.  As long as he answers the number I call, what do I care that he has other numbers?]  Is it just me, or is an apology in order??

Case in point #3 (The Ex):  This is the "transgression" that inspired this post.  Yesterday I received a text message from him.  I checked it because he had the kids and they had not been feeling well when his parenting time began.  Imagine the sensation in my stomach when I read "I love you sexy mommy."   Clearly that text was not intended for me.  I responded to it, letting him know that I was sure he didn't intend to send it to me but he did and so his intended recipient did not receive it.  Did I get even a cursory "oops, sorry."  Nope.  I got crickets.  When I picked the kids up today, he didn't say anything.  Is it just me, or is an apology in order? 

No comments: