Thursday, November 18, 2010

Pretend Polygamy

I've been thinking about polygamy only because of that reality show Sister Wives and the fire storm that surrounds it.  Let me just say it ... I'm against polygamy.  Never mind that it's illegal; I don't think government should control our private lives and relationships so I would be against it even if it were legal.  I'm against polygamy because I think it's a raw deal for the women.  Polygamy is a great set up for the man in the relationship.  He gets the best of all worlds.  He can have every single possible characteristic he wants in a wife, and if something is missing he can just go get another wife who possesses whatever is missing.  He might have his closeted siren in one wife, his spiritual teacher in another wife, his confidante in another wife, his outdoor buddy in one wife, his gourmet chef in one wife.  He gets to have sex with multiple women and have families with multiple women.  But what do the women get?  From my very limited perspective, I think the women get all of the disadvantages of traditional marriage but get no advantage by being one of multiple wives.  The sister wives have to share more than a single wife has to share - they get less of his time, his affection, his income, etc.  I just don't see the advantage.

Pretend polygamy, however, is a concept I can embrace.  I don't know about you, but I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to be married to certain famous people.  And, I fantasize about what it would be like to be able to have a husband to suit every mood.  So I created a network of "pretend husbands" who (in my mind) fulfill my every need.  Let me introduce them.  Pretend husband #1 is Jon Bon Jovi.  Of course.  I can't remember the order I  pretend married the rest of them, but I think it was as follows:  Hugh Jackman, Aaron Eckhardt, Stephen Moyer and Ashton Kutcher.  Pretty fantastic list, eh? 

Jon Bon Jovi fulfills my "rock star" fantasy.  I imagine him writing songs for me and playing guitar while I'm in the kitchen making dinner.  He's gone a lot, but it's always so spectacular when he comes home.  Yes, he can be a bit of an egomaniac - what lead singer isn't? - but he's a good man.  When Jon is home, I have a little glamour in my life.  Richie Sambora is one of Jon's best friends and he comes over all the time.  It's awesome.  Hugh Jackman is the pretend husband who does all of the stuff with the kids.  He coaches soccer when he's not working.  He goes to all of the school events.  He takes the boys on fantastic little adventures.  He's got a great sense of humor and always makes me laugh.  Aaron Eckhardt is my strong and silent pretend husband.  I love his cleft chin.  In my mind he is my true north; I never feel afraid because I know he will always protect me and he will always steer me in the right direction.  I can lean on him, any time, any place and for any reason.  No matter how I am feeling or what I need, Aaron is there to support me.  Stephen Moyer is my home-every-night pretend husband.  He's got a grueling schedule at HBO but he makes sure he comes home for dinner every night.  We cook together, we talk about our days.  And I love it when he brings his Bill Compton home every once in awhile.  Those sideburns really get me.  Ashton Kutcher is my hot young thing.  I had mixed feelings about him based on the characters he's played, but in my mind we met somewhere silly - like an ice cream shop - and he was so sweet and endearing.  He's really creative and gives great career and money management advice.  We discuss our spiritual beliefs.  Plus, you know, he's young and he's hot.  (I know what you're thinking, and no, I am not delusional.)  I am a happy pretend polygamist.

If polygamy were a situation with one woman and multiple husbands, I might be able to get behind it.  But one husband to be shared by  multiple women?  No thanks.  I'll stick to my fantasies ...

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